9
Feb 2014
Amanda Brandt

The Valentine’s Day dilemma solved

Amanda has finally solved the age old dilemma of Valentine’s Day.

In case you were caught unawares, Valentine’s Day is on Friday. Every year, when pink and red hearts begin appearing on store shelves and in Facebook statuses, it seems that my friends place themselves into two separate and opposing groups. These distinct factions join forces, coordinate attacks and dig a trench, ready to fight to the death (or at least until the leftover candy goes on sale) over the importance of Valentine’s Day.

The Cupid Crusaders, as I call them, are generally under the impression that they are “in love.” And on V-Day, they play it up. Hand holding, couples portraits, elaborate gifts and dates–they work hard to embody the traditional and stereotypical Valentine’s day, pink bows and all. (However, I believe that deep down, they get a little tired of all the fuss and pressure of experiencing a romantic and perfect day.)

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On the other hand, the Cupid Crushers generally believe that they are “forever alone” and “undesirable.” They have been known to wear black and roll their eyes every five seconds on V-Day. (However, I believe that every Cupid Crusher yearns for a glittery card from a secret admirer.)

Why can’t these groups find a common ground? Isn’t there a moderate action between spouting gushy love and spewing vitriol? What is the Treaty of Versailles for these staunchly opposed groups?

(I thought you would never ask. Never fear, I have the answer.)

The answer to all of our Valentine’s Day-related troubles lies in cinnamon-flavored candies.

Let that sink in. Go back and re-read it. (I’ll wait.)

I shall explain:

For females, there is a stereotypical figure what we all “want,” an ideal perpetuated by Cosmo and Ryan Gosling and late night sleepover talk. This dream guy is strong, but is actually a big softie inside. He is smooth and doesn’t mind spicing things up, but he also melts in the palm of your hand. And he is hot. (I would imagine that on the flip side of things, the ideal female would embody many of these same qualities.)

And thus the issue becomes plain: the Cupid Crusaders want to showcase their popularity/acceptance to societal norms by showcasing their mate and their relationship, whereas the Cupid Crushers make themselves feel better by discounting this stereotypical ideal and telling themselves that they are “better” than the whole hullabaloo.

Well, I think the whole issue could be resolved by a universal acceptance of one red hot love. Well, Red Hots, specifically.

HT New Package

Many of these qualities we desire or detest for Valentine’s Day can be found in cinnamon flavored candies. Something magical happens when large amounts of Red Dye #40 is mixed with cinnamon oil and copious quantities of sugar. These candies and smooth and generally have a soft center encased in a hard shell. They are shiny and spicy and, well, perfect.

Some people dislike cinnamon. I dislike them. I love love LOVE Hot Tamales.  I put cinnamon powder on my toast in the mornings, or a sprinkle it on a peanut butter tortilla for an afternoon snack. Sometimes I add a teaspoon to cookie dough for a little extra kick. Red hots can be melted and stirred into applesauce. This is the best variety of bland apple-based mush.

To the Cupid Crusaders: Sure, Red Rye #40 is made of petroleum and could possible lead to hyperactivity in children and is banned in many western European countries. True, one Hot Tamale has seven calories. And yes, one cinnamon disk may contain around 4.7 grams of sugar. But isn’t love all about taking risks? Don’t people head-over-heels make decisions that aren’t the best for them? Instead of gushing love in everyone’s face this V-Day, eat some cinnamon candies to temper your emotions. 

To the Cupid Crushers: So what if you don’t have a date to take you out on Valentine’s day? Single ladies (and gents) of the world, you too can experience heat and spice by ingesting a bag of cinnamon candies. Plus, the sugar rush might help you not feel so cranky.

I hope we can avoid a full-blown Valentine’s Day war this year. Please do you part and chew some cinnamon candy.